Inequities

Recently in the News a women filmed herself walked around NYC for a few hours and it shows the various forms of harassment she faced while moving through the city. As a man I do not understand the various inequities, fear or harassment women face on a daily basis. The closest to understanding I can have is to roll through the Gay District of any metropolitan city. Thats not just comedy thats a fact. I have been propositioned by homosexuals with the use of the most graphic language imaginable. Im not going to lie unwanted advances in that manner are not fun.

The spirit of what Im writing about though is not about comparing inequities its about facing reality. People on the left have all these lofty ideas about how to make the world come together to play and share like its kindergarten. What my well intentioned friends on the left fail to admit is that there are still bully’s in every kindergarten class and outside of the idiots and jerks there are different body types, skin colors, personalities and a myriad of other difference that come along with being an intelligent complex organism. Everyone faces difficulties and struggles that are unique to the individual and last time I checked every man made Utopia was a far cry from fair or perfect for everyone.

The reality of it is the only way to eliminate inequities in wealth, color, gender and sexual preference is to be make everyone the same but wouldn’t that destroy the diversity the left claims to love another popular idea is redistribution of wealth and resources which involves taking from the haves to give to the have nots. The supposed justification is due to past inequities the less fortunate weren’t provide with the same opportunities as those who have or they were born into a society that was built by men of a different color and they weren’t asked to come there.

Well I got news for these people who cry foul “My President is Black” #JayZ and the most influential women is too. #Oprah #AndYouGetaCar If you work hard and get an education you can achieve anything you want in this country. In turn you can be born with every advantage and still end up a total fuck up. It has been my experience that the human problems that exist in Inglewood are the same ones that exist in Brentwood. How you define success and happiness is the real difference.

The arguments and opinions that define people by their color or circumstance are essentially what holds those people down and the reason why is it is an excuse that makes you a victim and drives a wedge between you and your fellow Americans. America is far from a post-racial egalitarian state but we will never get there if White people are told to shoulder the guilt of their ancestors and minorities are told they can’t achieve do to a system that was put in place by white men. (but some how Asians do fantastic in)

I know I know I sit here a Rich White Republican who is 6’1 with blonde hair and blue eyes but I was born a half-Puerto Rican Democrat #Dukakis88 to a single mother whose natural father spent my entire life in jail. The town I grew up in idolized a thug culture and the result was personally knowing at least 5 friends who overdosed on drugs. I introduce these facts not for street cred but for proof that the individual is not a slave to their circumstances and everything I have today is due to hard work and sacrifice not skin color.

In the end it life isn’t fair we all face problems and there is no one size fits all solution that doesn’t alienate or enrage one group or the other. It would be nice if we could all treat each other with equality, respect and not be marginalized by the bureaucrats in Washington but I don’t see change there until Blacks vote Republican and Southern Whites vote Democrat.

Im rereading Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevsky because the first time I read was about 12 years ago and I remember enjoying the book but I couldn’t remember anything about it other than SPOILER ALERT Raskolnikov murdering an old women. As I started to get lost in the chapters I remembered the first time I read the book I was more interested in finishing the book as an accomplishment rather than enjoying the experience of climbing inside the mind of a murderous madman. I suppose its the equivalent of going to Paris and getting your picture at the Eiffel Tower to post on Facebook but forgetting to enjoy the walk around the park, haggling for a bottle of wine with an arab teenager, tasting a fresh croissant and sketching your own memory of the experience.

One thing Im beginning to focus on is having patience and enjoying my journey threw life. It seems like everything around me is being abridged: TV shows that have four, 5 min sketches in an episode #Brooklyn99 , text messages taking the place of actual conversations and dating sites built around 1 second pass/fail picture qualifications.#Tinder The struggle of the journey is the story I have become more interested in than just the view from the summit. The time and effort that it took to overcome hardship is where character is formed. I look around at people who just complain about why they have not and their answer is always the same its someone else’s fault.

Its too easy to blame society or the internet for all this. iBlame myself for occasionally getting caught up in this instant oatmeal throw away mentality. Shaking my finger at everyone for being addicted to social media while I scroll threw my newsfeed is hypocrisy at its finest but hey Im a Rich White Republican #RWR so I’m afforded that luxury. In the past we seemed to equate happiness to material reminders now we post digital reminders. The true problem is we are a society that values achievement without effort and having no personal accountability or standards.

When you “spread the wealth” of value to everything you find it’s easier to say good bye and the ultimate aim in this pursuit is to be absolutely devoid of materialism. Which I feel has made us more petty because we now tend to value all things the same… like shit. We collect clothes, cars, toys, girlfriend’s, boyfriends and pride ourselves in not putting any value on anything… It’s all replaceable. Fuck that!!! If I label something as mine I take care of it and responsibility for it. Whether its my car or my reputation I own both. The high I receive when I earn something in life can’t be bought on the street and the feeling I receive when I loss friends or say goodbye to my children is pain… but its a beautiful pain. It’s a pain that shows that I care about something or someone more than my own personal satisfaction. The sacrifices I make to and for them and all things I value is a representation of what they mean to me. You can’t earn something once and rest on that past glory or that prize will slip away. You have to go out and earn it everyday.

So value and take pride in Your Country, Your Culture, Your Job, Your Faith, Your Family and Your Wife/Husband. All of which are Yours and all of which are a reflection of You. Life is not a rush to collect a bunch of shit that doesn’t matter stop hitting fast forward and enjoy the time and experience at hand because food spoils, clothes go out of fashion, youth fades and the finish line is a funeral hopefully attended by people who valued you.

PS Communism is Bullshit

“If a man is Conservative at 20 he has no heart. If he is Liberal at 40 he has no brain.”- Churchill

If that is the case the people who knew me at 20 will contest I had no heart. Anyone who knows me now will probably say I am losing my mind. I can take that because I see it as growth. It’s not so much a loss of reason but rather a gain of understanding. You could also say I haven’t turned off my mind but I have turned on my heart.

To understand how this transition came about in my life you would have to understand my relationship with God and personal faith. To me God is not some imaginary friend named Jesus who I talk to when Im bored, scared or in need. The philosophies of Christ have taught me how to love, forgive and realize that I am not perfect. I use the Bible as a guide to live my life, not as a tool to condemn others for how they live theirs. The Man who crafted my faith hated organized religion and stated that the church is not a place. The “church” is alive inside of me. I do not go to some building out of obligation, I go to church to grow in my understanding of my faith and ultimately my understanding of myself. I am empowered by the knowledge that salvation and wisdom is exclusively up to me, which can only be achieved through my actions and my own free will. That is why I have made it the mission of my life to strike down oppression and anyone who imposes their will on others. I do not push my faith on others I share it and the peace it gives me.

When I look at nature I see chaos. I feel science is man’s way of understanding the natural world. The problem I have with science is that it is too clean and black/white. The reality of it is, Life is dirty and there are many shades of grey. If our Societies and Lives ran as clean and mathematically sound as Science, our world would be a pretty boring and robotic place. All the societies that tried to view and apply Science (whether social or physical science) to the world have done some pretty gnarly things.#Hitler #Stalin #Mao Their actions may not have been in the name of Science but in the name of Progress and those dreams of a man made Utopia turned into real life nightmares.

Jesus brought chaos to organized religion and put the power of salvation into the hands of everyone. All you have to do is give up the concept that man can be perfect or a god. I would prefer to believe in an incomprehensible omnipotent force than on the precision of German engineering.#SeeWhatThatGotUs

I have spent 2 years of my life deployed as an Infantry or Reconnaissance Marine, saw combat on several occasions and earned a medal for valor but the closest I ever came to death was when I was in America at my own hand. After my third deployment I was forced into taking a job stateside training Reconnaissance Marines. I was told I should take the time to decompress and spend time with my wife and 2 kids. At that point I could no longer shoot at my demons I had to face them. Looking back at my marriage the best way I could describe it was unhealthy. I could try to push the blame in any direction I want but in the end. Only I can be accountable for my actions. No matter how justified I may have felt at the time to YELL, SCREAM, hide or drink. Those are ultimately the decisions I made to deal with my issues.

I remember looking in the mirror several times and questioning my life, Driving excessively fast letting go of the wheel ‪#‎FightClub‬ but grab it before something happened and standing on the ledge of a couple of hotel rooms several stories up contemplating a LANO Jump (Low Altitude-No Opening). One day I was maintaining a buzz while watching my children and started to feel overwhelmed. Recognizing how fucked that was I called for help. MILITARYONESOURCE.com and I started the long process of counseling and facing my Demons. When I initially started counseling I wanted to fix my marriage so I stopped drinking and avoided medication because I didn’t want to replace one crutch with another but after 3 months of absolute sobriety I found myself addicted to a new vice… Anger.
Apparently after being in sustained combat your Mind remaps your brain to turn any situation into combat.My brain would give me huge dumps of adrenaline and later a rush of dopeimean to mellow me out.

ALERT- If this sounds like you congratulations you have PTSD

When I would get these rushes of endorphins I would retract from the arguments because I new I had lost control. At that point my therapist asked me if I wanted to save my family or provide a safe home for my children “Shouldn’t I try absolutely everything.” So I relented and started the medication and much to my disappointment I felt absolutely normal for I had hoped that I would be drugged up and numb to my day to day. Then one day I got into a fight with my wife and the anger came but the physiological response didn’t. My body maintained a normal heart rate and there was no flood of endorphins. I had nothing to calm me down but the realization that I had been hiding behind my anger.

Soon after I had another appointment with my therapist and I told him I couldn’t wait another week I had to get out of the marriage. At that moment he told me his job was not to tell me what to do it was to hold up a mirror and show me what I was saying. When I first came into his office I talked of how in 2 years maybe I would leave and now just a few months later I couldn’t stay one more week. He helped me understand not only my anger but also that the world is so much bigger than the one I had been living in and the healthiest thing for my children was for my wife and I to separate. I finally chose to remove myself from the unhealthy marriage and do my best to re-establish a friendship with my now ex.

I share this in the hopes to highlight the Importance of mental health and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. If you feel trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation and regardless of how justified you may feel. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS not them. Leave and get help. I am by no means the model of mental health but I honestly evaluate who I am and how Im feeling. I am not powerless to anyone or any situation. I still fall down but having an honest dialogue with myself I don’t fall as far.

PS Kill your Ego

My plan for peace in Iraq,
America has been at War for 13 years and is in the process of cutting back on the size of its active force. Many of the men who were downsized or left due to the frustration of fighting a political war are now out of work. These men are having difficulty finding comparable employment. Going from experts in their field to now starting over because the skill they mastered doesn’t translate well to the civilian sector. That skill is KILLING evil men.
These Veterans still have honor, discipline and the greatest military training in history. These Champions of Justice are also going crazy to get back to work stopping the slaughter of innocence. Our “leaders” and celebrities like to imagine that evil men can be reasoned with. When the reality of it is the only way to deal with ISIS is to hunt them down, murder them all and bury them in unmarked graves so they can be erased from the annals of history. 
The puppet regimes that are being put in place have proved impotent in stopping the spread of radical islam and providing stability to the region. My proposal is to allow a company to employ these Warriors to go in and do the work that needs to be done. Once all of those animals have been dealt with the companies tasked to liberate stay on as an independent force that guards the Oil fields and other precious resources. They would then take a percentage of the revenues from the government to provide protection and stability to the region. 
The use of highly trained professionals for protection is already being used not only by our government #Academi #TripleCanopy #DynoCorp etc. but also our celebrities at home. #GavinDeBecker
I think it’s an understatement to say America is tired of War. Nobody wants to commit our time and resources into another potential quagmire where we as a nation see no political or economic gain. With that said I can’t imagine anyone can look at the atrocities being committed by ISIS and just go about their day without anger, disgust and a desire to see those savages brought to justice. The American government and it’s civilians may not have the stomach for what needs to be done. But, there are Heroes if properly equipped, supported and paid would gladly put an end to this Genocide and bring stability to the region. 
If the world stands by and does nothing, the blood of the innocent will be on the hands of us all. 
This is evil that can not be reasoned with.

I troll around Facebook while deployed to have a window open to America. What do I see? New Cars, Flexed Arms and Deep V-cut cocktail dresses. You know what I think Fan-fucking-tastic Get Paid, Lift Heavy and Giggity. I’m happy to see people proud of what they earned or paid for. In my opinion, Happiness should be a cup that is always overflowing.
The fact that I’m trying to wax philosophically about facebook status’ or stati. ‪#‎Whatever‬ Shows how fucking bored I am and how far I’ve fallen. I bring about this whole line of thought because I’m curious how people perceive me through my fb account. Am I some international playboy who hangs out with models (Male and Female) and dranks all the dranks? Am I a good father who sweeps into town to take my rad children on awesome adventures? Or, Am I a drunken, drug addled degenerate‪#‎SayThat3TimesFast‬ who runs around Afghanistan murdering babies and occasionally comes back to the States to pop into peoples lives, wreak havoc then leave again? In truth, in some ways I’m all 3. Except I only kill babies that are highly political and pose a serious threat to our national security. JK I kill all babies…
When I was a Reconnaissance Marine there were 2 things I enjoyed: Pre and Post deployment leave. 
Pre-deployment leave was like a funeral in that it was a somber celebration of life and coming to terms with your mortality. 
Post-Deployment leave was like a wedding celebrating, a triumphant return to be surrounded by the ones you love. The gnarly thing about constantly rotating back and forth from deployment is how I get to ride both waves. Which makes for some choppy surf. ‪#‎MaybeIHaveLivedInCA2Long‬
The Deployment itself wasn’t reality it was like living on the Moon (it even had the same landscape). It was a wretched horrible meal that we were served, but it has flavored everything else I’ve ever done. Like a bottle of Tapatio for my soul. To me PTSD is the inability to reintegrate back into society after experiencing something unique. I don’t attach it to War. I attach it to knowledge. After you fight in combat or fly into space sharing your experience with others is like talking to a virgin about sex. Whether people see you as a hero or a villain the problem lies in that civilians don’t see you as an equal, and those who struggle the most don’t see themselves as equal either. When I talk to my friends who have transitioned to a well paying stateside job they are envious of me because I found a way back to War in Afghanistan. I feel envious of them because they found Peace in America.
For those who think I live a fairytale life of money, women and travel, You’re wrong. In reality it’s a fucking nightmare. When I am in America I am constantly moving and dividing my time so many ways and to so many people I never have any time to face myself. I neglect every relationship of real value so that it’s easier to leave. Oh and to top it off I live in Afghanistan. It’s the only place where I feel healthy. Everything I do is for the betterment of myself and my team. Work out, Eat-Clean, Stay sober, Read books etc. I’m constantly sharpening the knife for the day I get to stab… and stab, and stab, and stab, stab, stab, stab-STAB. ‪#‎Skeet‬ I do my job not for the money but to stay alive. I find my pulse and a sense of purpose living in a war-zone. The only thing that waits for me in America is Disappointment and Poison. ‪#‎NotThe80sBand‬
In some ways I actually envy the Booger Eating Cave Monkeys. For in my opinion people from the Muslim world don’t get PTSD from War because everyone has the knowledge of living in a War-Zone. Muslims get PTSD from Freedom which is why many fail to integrate into Western societies, and try to bring Sharia Law to the streets of every nation they enter.
I think I just figured out how to solve my problem. I need to move to a war-zone in America. But where?… I got it!!! I’M MOVING TO DETROIT!!!!!‪#‎GeauxTigers‬!!!

With PTSD leading to a pandemic of Veteran suicide Im going to try to give insight by sharing my own struggles with realizing why I’ll never be as “cool” as I once was.

Its not that going to war is “cool” or that I am cool for that matter. In truth if your a fighting man, especially a United States Marine, war blows. You’re constantly on edge, Its extremely hot or cold, You live in a hole; and there is no women, booze or State-side Copenhagen. Oh, and you can die.

Although the thought of actually dying never really enters your mind when you’re in a fire fight. Your greatest fear is your brothers dying. So you shoot, move and do whatever it takes to ensure their survival. When it’s a good day you share stories afterward about Suzy Rottencrotch. If it’s a bad day you share silence.

I have had good days and I have had bad days all while I was a United States Marine. While I served I was thankful for my survival so that I could continue to protect my brothers and dream about going home to get my fill of Alcohol and Doxy(the navy’s cure all medicine for adult mono). I was respected, thanked and considered superhuman surrounded by brothers who would die for me. Now that I am a civilian I am resentful of that survival for now I think of my friends that I lost and continue to lose. I watch the slow decay of my body and know that I will one day die alone an irrelevant old man in a bed.

It’s not that life isn’t worth living it’s just that it’s not as exciting. It’s hard to go from running at the speed of light down to 55MPH. That’s why so many Vets try to find outlets that can recreate the thrill of combat. From BASE jumping to Free Basing, Cocaine. They are trying to ride the High of coming close to death. We don’t feel like we have mastered Death only our fear of Death. So now instead of walking on the Razors edge we cut ourselves with it.

So I guess that’s the problem. So what is the solution? In my opinion it’s not that easy. There is no one size fits all. The reality of it is most men who have faced death look at their life and re-evaluate whats important. In a society of vapid materialism offering us a job or saying thank you for your service seems hollow. When it feels like the government used the GWOT (Global War On Terror) to steal more freedom than it preserved. #FreeChelseaManning#PardonSnowden .So instead of looking for society to help the successful ones look for camaraderie and purpose to find peace. Since only the dead have seen the end of War, suicide is how 22 veterans a day find peace. #AlwaysBesidesYou #TillValhalla

There is so much talk about whether “We” America should intervene in Iraq. In my opinion there is no collective “we”. The fraction of the United States that served in the last 13 years is less than a percent and the amount that actually saw combat is infinitely smaller. The reasons that small percent was sent in to topple an Oppressive Dictator is highly contested, but the reality is we still ousted an asshole who enslaved and murdered millions. Many of us in the combat arms fields (including myself) re-enlisted to continue to serve, rebuild and give democracy and freedom to a people who were shit on for 30 years by an asshole. Now a new group of assholes has arisen and are committing horrible atrocities. All in a land where I watched my friends die trying to get the Arab world out of the Stone Age. What disgusts me is politicians weighing the political ramifications of whether or not to go in and help people being ethnically cleansed. These are the same people who pontificated the evils of “Bush” and “The War” from a safe air-conditioned office while my brothers and I were shot at in 120 degree heat. Needless to say I don’t give a fuck about their opinion because while they hold up signs that say ‪#‎BringBackOurGirls,‬ My brothers and I will hold our sites on our enemy ready to engage. The sad reality of it is, if “we” do go and send the Marines we will not fight to win. Our hands will be tied by the politicians who have no idea the true evils of our enemy. Tolerance, equality and winning the “hearts and minds” are nice ideas brought to you by modern society but when you deal with savages “2 in the heart and 1 in the mind” is the only way to solve the problem. In the past America did not to tolerate evil; We stamped it out with ruthless authority and made sure that it would Never rise again. The only way to truly solve the problem is to erase those animals from the annals of history and drag what is left into the 21st century.

“If you can’t stand to be by yourself other people probably can’t stand to be around you either.”- Carlos Aquino

The most important relationship that I have cultivated is the one I have with myself. Without having an honest relationship with myself I could never have an honest relationship with anyone. I cant put on aires, I can’t lie to impress, the only thing I can do is look in the mirror and evaluate what I see. What I see and what I have seen has changed from time to time, but the times where I saw something grotesque I didn’t run. I stood face to face with that demon and I worked with that sonava bitch and created someone I could take out in public. It taught me a few things.

1st It taught me that change takes time and discipline, and that journey also builds character.
2nd It taught me to forgive myself because I have collapsed multiple times only to raise myself from the ashes; Which never could have happened without forgiveness.

The times where I find myself doing the most vile soul staining things is when I like what I see because that good looking bastard in the mirror is confident and is well liked by everyone he meets. Beauty inspired confidence has that master key to unlock doors that are closed off to the rest of society. Anyone who has ever spent time in LA has seen that the most beautiful people can do the ugliest things. When I’ve walked too long in the shadows I can’t hide my sins on a painting I have stashed away in my attic. #PortraitOfDorianGrey Those sins rape my body and scar my face and the world of beauty gets farther out of reach. I become humble enough to recognize disfunction so that I wall myself away to recreate the person I love.

What helps give me this perspective and allows me the discipline to start the process over is staying true to my morals. Those morals that are unwavering have helped me cultivate real relationships with people who see me the same whether it’s in the light or darkness. Those friends have had the courage to have those hard conversations to tell me that I’m out of control, After which I go back to the mirror and realize that demon has finally manifested himself again.

Without those friends to give me that light I could easily continue to get lost with the demons in the darkness. But all my friends and family can do is give me a flashlight. I have to face my Demon and reclaim my life; no one can do it for me. So I start with isolation and develop a plan and forgive that guy in the mirror who has allowed me to live in such a selfish way for far too long. I stop all vices, pick up some books, hit the gym and in a few months I am reborn. Ultimately though, it makes me wonder who the Demon is; The manifestation of beauty or the diseased looking portrait of horror.

At this time I would like to apologize to anyone I have hurt while lost in the world and Shout out to all the different people in my life that have been there for me when I was in need. I would also like to thank the teachings of Christ who taught me to love everyone, stay humble and that salvation is never too late. Carlos Aquino who has walked through the valley of shadows with me and was able to expose my demons even though he was ignoring his own. And finally, Lindley Lehman, my best friend whose love has been the light that has led me out of the darkness.

I have many liberal friends and family who have loved and supported me through my adult life, Even though my politics and lifestyle are in direct contrast to their own beliefs. I really appreciate the dialogue we are able to maintain because it helps give me perspective and insight on the thoughts and beliefs that are held by many who live in my society. These civilized ideals are allowed to exist due to the cultural and intellectual freedoms that we enjoy in America. The assumption is often made that because of my military service and staunch patriotism that I have somehow “drank the kool-aid”. But make no mistake, my allegiance is not allocated to the US government. In fact, in all my years of service I never fought one day for the US Government. I fought for my brothers in arms, the Constitution, and the citizens of the United States.

The education I received from serving my country at war was not intellectual but rather primal. I was stripped of all material goods, personal identity and learned that the survival of the group super-cedes that of my own. I was placed in austere environments with only the bare essentials and any living condition was acceptable as long as the condition I was in was living. The positive take away from living in a world of constant survival is it gave me an understanding of nature and that beauty can be found in the simplest things. I learned how to love without awkwardness or fear and I cherish the people and ideals that matter most to my physical and mental health.

That love inspired tribalism is a very dangerous thing whether it’s wielded by “good or evil”. That seemingly conservative ultra-masculine survival mentality needed to be tempered by liberalism and femininity. Without that softer side of our nature we could never develop an appreciation for art, literature and diplomacy; which are the essentials for a civilized society.

The problem we face in American society today is that we are too far removed from the nature of survival. We spend most of our day looking to our phones for entertainment rather than looking for food. Religion is used as a talking point for interesting conversation at dinner as opposed to a personal relationship to something greater than yourself. And War is passively followed like a baseball team that you only check the paper to see the box scores. These are all the luxuries of living in a civilized liberal society.

If we faced boredom, hunger, and a stranger banging at our door in the night our view of the world would be very different. The evil we face is very much aware of the realities of nature and my liberal friends and family would like to think that this evil can be reasoned with. But how can you have a dialogue with a “civilization” that has enslaved their women and ruthlessly destroys opposing art/architecture, literature and faith?

In nature we look for balance but what we really find is chaos. So rather than ignore the natural world that exists outside our civilization, We should remember what it takes to survive in it. Sometimes survival means doing savage things.