With PTSD leading to a pandemic of Veteran suicide Im going to try to give insight by sharing my own struggles with realizing why I’ll never be as “cool” as I once was.

Its not that going to war is “cool” or that I am cool for that matter. In truth if your a fighting man, especially a United States Marine, war blows. You’re constantly on edge, Its extremely hot or cold, You live in a hole; and there is no women, booze or State-side Copenhagen. Oh, and you can die.

Although the thought of actually dying never really enters your mind when you’re in a fire fight. Your greatest fear is your brothers dying. So you shoot, move and do whatever it takes to ensure their survival. When it’s a good day you share stories afterward about Suzy Rottencrotch. If it’s a bad day you share silence.

I have had good days and I have had bad days all while I was a United States Marine. While I served I was thankful for my survival so that I could continue to protect my brothers and dream about going home to get my fill of Alcohol and Doxy(the navy’s cure all medicine for adult mono). I was respected, thanked and considered superhuman surrounded by brothers who would die for me. Now that I am a civilian I am resentful of that survival for now I think of my friends that I lost and continue to lose. I watch the slow decay of my body and know that I will one day die alone an irrelevant old man in a bed.

It’s not that life isn’t worth living it’s just that it’s not as exciting. It’s hard to go from running at the speed of light down to 55MPH. That’s why so many Vets try to find outlets that can recreate the thrill of combat. From BASE jumping to Free Basing, Cocaine. They are trying to ride the High of coming close to death. We don’t feel like we have mastered Death only our fear of Death. So now instead of walking on the Razors edge we cut ourselves with it.

So I guess that’s the problem. So what is the solution? In my opinion it’s not that easy. There is no one size fits all. The reality of it is most men who have faced death look at their life and re-evaluate whats important. In a society of vapid materialism offering us a job or saying thank you for your service seems hollow. When it feels like the government used the GWOT (Global War On Terror) to steal more freedom than it preserved. #FreeChelseaManning#PardonSnowden .So instead of looking for society to help the successful ones look for camaraderie and purpose to find peace. Since only the dead have seen the end of War, suicide is how 22 veterans a day find peace. #AlwaysBesidesYou #TillValhalla