“If you can’t stand to be by yourself other people probably can’t stand to be around you either.”- Carlos Aquino

The most important relationship that I have cultivated is the one I have with myself. Without having an honest relationship with myself I could never have an honest relationship with anyone. I cant put on aires, I can’t lie to impress, the only thing I can do is look in the mirror and evaluate what I see. What I see and what I have seen has changed from time to time, but the times where I saw something grotesque I didn’t run. I stood face to face with that demon and I worked with that sonava bitch and created someone I could take out in public. It taught me a few things.

1st It taught me that change takes time and discipline, and that journey also builds character.
2nd It taught me to forgive myself because I have collapsed multiple times only to raise myself from the ashes; Which never could have happened without forgiveness.

The times where I find myself doing the most vile soul staining things is when I like what I see because that good looking bastard in the mirror is confident and is well liked by everyone he meets. Beauty inspired confidence has that master key to unlock doors that are closed off to the rest of society. Anyone who has ever spent time in LA has seen that the most beautiful people can do the ugliest things. When I’ve walked too long in the shadows I can’t hide my sins on a painting I have stashed away in my attic. #PortraitOfDorianGrey Those sins rape my body and scar my face and the world of beauty gets farther out of reach. I become humble enough to recognize disfunction so that I wall myself away to recreate the person I love.

What helps give me this perspective and allows me the discipline to start the process over is staying true to my morals. Those morals that are unwavering have helped me cultivate real relationships with people who see me the same whether it’s in the light or darkness. Those friends have had the courage to have those hard conversations to tell me that I’m out of control, After which I go back to the mirror and realize that demon has finally manifested himself again.

Without those friends to give me that light I could easily continue to get lost with the demons in the darkness. But all my friends and family can do is give me a flashlight. I have to face my Demon and reclaim my life; no one can do it for me. So I start with isolation and develop a plan and forgive that guy in the mirror who has allowed me to live in such a selfish way for far too long. I stop all vices, pick up some books, hit the gym and in a few months I am reborn. Ultimately though, it makes me wonder who the Demon is; The manifestation of beauty or the diseased looking portrait of horror.

At this time I would like to apologize to anyone I have hurt while lost in the world and Shout out to all the different people in my life that have been there for me when I was in need. I would also like to thank the teachings of Christ who taught me to love everyone, stay humble and that salvation is never too late. Carlos Aquino who has walked through the valley of shadows with me and was able to expose my demons even though he was ignoring his own. And finally, Lindley Lehman, my best friend whose love has been the light that has led me out of the darkness.