I have spent 2 years of my life deployed as an Infantry or Reconnaissance Marine, saw combat on several occasions and earned a medal for valor but the closest I ever came to death was when I was in America at my own hand. After my third deployment I was forced into taking a job stateside training Reconnaissance Marines. I was told I should take the time to decompress and spend time with my wife and 2 kids. At that point I could no longer shoot at my demons I had to face them. Looking back at my marriage the best way I could describe it was unhealthy. I could try to push the blame in any direction I want but in the end. Only I can be accountable for my actions. No matter how justified I may have felt at the time to YELL, SCREAM, hide or drink. Those are ultimately the decisions I made to deal with my issues.

I remember looking in the mirror several times and questioning my life, Driving excessively fast letting go of the wheel ‪#‎FightClub‬ but grab it before something happened and standing on the ledge of a couple of hotel rooms several stories up contemplating a LANO Jump (Low Altitude-No Opening). One day I was maintaining a buzz while watching my children and started to feel overwhelmed. Recognizing how fucked that was I called for help. MILITARYONESOURCE.com and I started the long process of counseling and facing my Demons. When I initially started counseling I wanted to fix my marriage so I stopped drinking and avoided medication because I didn’t want to replace one crutch with another but after 3 months of absolute sobriety I found myself addicted to a new vice… Anger.
Apparently after being in sustained combat your Mind remaps your brain to turn any situation into combat.My brain would give me huge dumps of adrenaline and later a rush of dopeimean to mellow me out.

ALERT- If this sounds like you congratulations you have PTSD

When I would get these rushes of endorphins I would retract from the arguments because I new I had lost control. At that point my therapist asked me if I wanted to save my family or provide a safe home for my children “Shouldn’t I try absolutely everything.” So I relented and started the medication and much to my disappointment I felt absolutely normal for I had hoped that I would be drugged up and numb to my day to day. Then one day I got into a fight with my wife and the anger came but the physiological response didn’t. My body maintained a normal heart rate and there was no flood of endorphins. I had nothing to calm me down but the realization that I had been hiding behind my anger.

Soon after I had another appointment with my therapist and I told him I couldn’t wait another week I had to get out of the marriage. At that moment he told me his job was not to tell me what to do it was to hold up a mirror and show me what I was saying. When I first came into his office I talked of how in 2 years maybe I would leave and now just a few months later I couldn’t stay one more week. He helped me understand not only my anger but also that the world is so much bigger than the one I had been living in and the healthiest thing for my children was for my wife and I to separate. I finally chose to remove myself from the unhealthy marriage and do my best to re-establish a friendship with my now ex.

I share this in the hopes to highlight the Importance of mental health and that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. If you feel trapped in a seemingly hopeless situation and regardless of how justified you may feel. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS not them. Leave and get help. I am by no means the model of mental health but I honestly evaluate who I am and how Im feeling. I am not powerless to anyone or any situation. I still fall down but having an honest dialogue with myself I don’t fall as far.

PS Kill your Ego