Ive noticed a change in me since my injury. Im lazy, turning to the vices i have available ie fat pills and ive lost the vigor to read or study. Its like a wave of self pity and apathy have washed over me. I spend all my time locked in my room licking my wound dreaming of being whole again. Going home before Im ready feels like im being born premature like I wont have the strength and ability to present the man I want to be to the world and falling short of that leaves me feeling impotent. iCant wear my wound as a badge of honor I can only wear it as a joke and I think thats the reason why people refused to see the comedy. They only know me as the returning hero, the “Rich White Republican” #RWR I guess they will finally see the sad clown. Maybe thats the person I have to face as well. Thank God my injury is superficial and my full recovery guaranteed because as it turns out my ego is a piranha that will feast with me when healthy and feast on me when caught on a line. I guess I need more than apple pie and baseball to sustain.

The opposite of love is not hate they are actually on opposite sides of the same coin. They both inspire extreme emotion that will enable us to give our lives or take someone else’s. That area in between though is far more dangerous and far more deadly than either extreme… apathy.

Which oddly enough is where most people find themselves. To afraid or apathetic to love or hate anything. Rather than pursue their dreams they are perfectly happy to live a nightmare. They move to a bubble shuffle back and forth from a job they tolerate to provide for a wife they barely tolerate and kids who don’t tolerate them at all. They suffer through this in hopes to one day catch that carrot thats been dangled in front of them since they entered adulthood. To be fair along the way they may have spike’s of joy #TripToJamaica and sadness #DogDies but when faced with either event they numb themselves with alcohol. They choose to flatline rather than have a pulse.

Why? Because “people” enjoy being comfortable and would rather not have to think or feel because that is hard and scary. It seems as though America is on a quest to make their last unpleasant experience a precisely datable event. The problem America faces on its horizon is a generation of War-Fighters that have spent their most formative adult years living on those extremes. Thats not to say the Warrior doesn’t slip into that shadow land between love and hate. The difference is when he does its to hunt. He leaves behind his humanity so that he can do some evil things while still keeping his soul intact. Thats why he can love and live without fear or limits.

With these Men returning home to a material world that lives in this vapid purgatory the warrior reacts to this environment the way he did while deployed. He Detaches and goes to the place where his heart can’t be touched because he knows it will stain his soul. His wife/girlfriend notice this change and mistake it for a loss of love. When in reality its him trying to maintain his sanity because he is in a mental state where he use to kill but now chokes back anger on the day to day. He drowns himself with alcohol, drugs and scripts from the VA to kill his desire to truly live again. Until the day he decides to join his friends in Valhalla… But the Valkyrie doesn’t come for those who end it themselves and thats why America is afraid… Or at least the politicians are.

Set in Imperial Russia this book tells the tale of Russian nobility more specifically that of a fallen women. Im sure some people would like to hold her up as a hero in some regard and in truth elements of her are indeed heroic but at her core I saw her as an egocentric selfish women whom I probably would have fallen in love with. In the end I would say she was more a victim of her time than her circumstance. The character I enjoyed was Levin although from the noble class he hated society life and preferred to live and work in the country. He faced a similar duality I find in that when surrounded by civilization his morals and habits slip into self destruction but when out in the country his virtues and work ethic are beyond reproach. What I found most endearing about him was he was an atheist in an intellectual pursuit for salvation and God.

The book was masterfully written and engaging but essentially it had the same pitfalls I find with all books of that style and period.
1st- Russian Books are loooong. I understand that they were released in serialization so they are all in essence soap operas.
2nd- This Russo- Victorian period I find very un relatable and many of the male characters spastic and emotionally over the top.

Ultimately I picked the book up because it is held up as a Classic. I enjoyed elements of the book but in the end I felt it was the modern day equivalent of a soap opera. If you have a lot of time on your hands and think a forbidden love story in high society will keep you enthralled go ahead and swipe right. If your just looking to make interesting dinner conversation and impress learned mofos read the last 19 chapters or just get the cliff notes.

I am happy I read it but I wouldnt read it again.