Ive recently had 2 friends attempt suicide and 1 of the 2 was successful. The thing I find most horrifying about all this is how the gravity of it all hasn’t fully registered to me. Here today gone tomorrow sort of thing. For my friend who survived his own hand he got to see essentially everyone who would show up at his funeral. The wave of love and support moved him. How deeply I truly dont know because I have never been as far gone as he must have felt in that moment of despair. I actually spent the following week with him to be there in support as well as to celebrate every moment I can with him. He is my brother and I love him. The thought of his absence in my life is to devastating to fully recognize but my time with him wasnt just his therapy but my own. I went up to LA where many have tried to take their own lives through drug fueled orgies of debatchery to try to make sense of not only his action but my own lifestyle. Coping with the fact that how I live everyday is reality and normal is a weird thing to rap my head around. It seems like we are all trying to find a baseline or a standard that others relate to to justify our existence. In helping him Ive finally come to peace with my own reality and even mental state. The truth is Im fucking crazy. I live in Afghanistan and I am in a constant cycle of creating perfection just to destroy it so that it can be rebuilt. As a student of history I always see civilizations at their best as they are trying to create a powerful society and once masters of the world the period of opulence follows which is nothing more than say “The most fun ever” and the society collapses on itself. I recognize that is quarterly cycle run off to Kabul lift weights, read books, make money and turn into a rich, handsome interesting motherfucker #RichWhiteRepublican #RWR come home and Crucify that perfect man. I figuratively kill myself every time I come home because I never feel comfortable at home in America. Then like the Phoenix I resurrect and repeat. Is that healthy I dont know Im still hear and hopefully having a positive impact on those around me. I guess knowing I have that escape or that option for escape is what keeps me healthy. I know that the period of my life where I felt trapped that lack of options is what truly drove me to an unhealthy mental state. Coming from a profession where I could achieve what others could only imagine the idea of being trapped seemed not only impossible but also unbearable is the only way I can see my friends taking that leap as a vein attempt to regain control of their destiny. I guess they would rather regain control than continue in a world where they are lost. I understand the logic but the execution is flawed in my opinion. If you are unhappy in your current circumstance choose to value other things. Free will is ours walk away from your perceived chains and live for yourself. There are consequences for your actions but there are consequences for your bondage as well and if you choose to end your life others bear the full weight of your decision. With all this philosophical waxing I have avoided trying to talk about the point ive been trying to hit or face. Its easy to talk about my friend who survived its almost impossible for me to try and face the thought that another friend actually succeeded in ending his life. Even now Im running around my own head trying to escape these words and this reality. D I love you and I miss you and I wish I could have been there for you I wish you could have reached out to me or anyone. I have no idea how alone and for how long that must have been for but I will never forget you. I have tried to talk about veteran suicide in the past because many of my friends tried to destroy themselves through drugs and various other ways but now it has truly struck home. I have a friend who took his own life. My only way to relate is when I was in a world where I thought I had no choices. If you feel powerless and alone always remember you are in command of your own destiny. Being selfish is a virtue as long as you don’t hurt others.