I haven’t even cried yet…

When my grandfather died I was actually relieved because for the last few years he was more of a shadow of himself then the man I modeled my life after…. Writing this now I don’t know what I am trying to accomplish but I due know that I want to share who he was to me. He taught me how to love where as my GiGi taught me how to live. I bring her into the conversation because every great love affair binds the souls. GiGi gave me the courage to slap people in the face and get arrested in NOLA in my 70’s. Where as G aka PoP’s taught me how to love and be there for my family regardless of whether or not it was 4am “On a Tuesday”(Club blowing up irrelevant)

Im writing this now to try and feel something because my inability to feel is what has lead every meaningful relationship I’ve been in to fail. Ive lost something inside myself that allows emotion to penetrate me. I now live by a system of rules that defines the game I play with anyone Im involved in. If you fall short and the dynamic has changed then you become expendable. Once the man who made me what I have become lost his value… he lost my tears.

What kills me is thats not something I learned from him because he made psalm crosses for his mother to lay on her grave from the day she died. Where once someone loses there value I’ll let them slowly go out to pasture but in essence only send money for carrots. Whats bringing tears to me now is that I realize he was and continues to be a greater man than Im capable of emulating and I acknowledge that I can only be a charlatan of who he was. People loved him for who he was. They love me for who I pretend to be because the reality is I try to emulate who he was but I am only the Shadow of what his genuine light brought to the world.

I can’t cry because I am unable to love…