Im feeling tired and lonely… Its the day before my birthday “Woot, Woot”- said unenthusiastically. This is the first trip abroad I didn’t make strength gains. I did lose 11 pounds though so I guess thats something but also a sign “I ain’t as good as I once was”.

I also found out my Diplomatic Passport hasn’t come back yet so I guess my return home is still up in the air but that has more to do with Kurdish Independence than Bureaucratic  Incompetence. Maybe that worked out for the best because even in transit on the way home at this point id be half in the bag looking for an easier/quicker way to reach rock bottom. One thing I’ve noticed on my trip over here is the clarity I get from pulling away from myself imposed hell and even how my desire to stain myself in sexual depravity drops to nill as well. These last 2 trips especially show me my love for Karina and my desire to prioritize her in my life.

This year I’ve positioned myself for radical change. The plan is to stop working abroad, Marry Karina, start school at Columbia and lest I forget move to NYC. All lauditory goals in an effort to master myself. The good news is I feel up to the challenge the bad news is I don’t know what lyes beyond. Which isn’t exactly bad… I already know to face the abyss the monster looks back but this time is different because without the ability to run off and fight external monsters. Im going to have to learn how to have a conversation with the one who lives inside me.

In all truth its a mixed bag and the following will be shared with prejudice and positive. I’ll start with my prejudice and hopefully finish on a positive note…

I acknowledge that I am bigoted from having been at war with the followers of Mohammad my entire adult life. Although I acknowledge that is geopolitical. I was born in the West and when I went to war I did so not against the faith but in defense against the attack that took place upon my country on 9/11 coupled with the expulsion of a Fascist Dictator in Iraq for in my eyes how could every other generation of Americans hear the call to arms and I feign being deaf to such a call.

So I enlisted in the Marines for love of country. Ideologically speaking at that point I had no dog in the fight for at that time my enemy was an oppressive regime. After Saddam Hussain was toppled and the radicals moved in I had to dig internally to understand their fight. Coming from a Western nation who spent more time abroad I found more of a connection with my enemies than my own citizens. The men I engaged with in combat did so to preserve their country and way of life. Which in truth are at odds with where I am from. To this day I still respect my enemy.

Concerning Islam and those who practice the faith the core difference between the 2 lye in the fact that Islam requires you to submit to Mohammad and you have to do so 5 times a day. For the devout they project the desire to submit to a higher power. Which is where my divide comes into play. To me the act of submission is an act of subservience to something. Thus making you a slave and stealing your individuality.

The Christ AKA Jesus rebelled against the establishment who wanted to “Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” He also gave salvation to those who make the conscious decision to follow not to submit but to transcend and choose your path to “salvation”.

In my travels and conflict in the muslim world I have found that the identity of self is removed. Which is why everyone is named Mohammad and one has multiple siblings with the same name. Essentially stripping the individual of their own personal identity. You become apart of a collective much akin to that of socialism. Whereas in the west the individual is celebrated were your culture, sexuality or gender identity is protected.     

When I was in Kabul and I saw women in the Burka totally devoid of their ability to even be seen as themselves I knew I would die before I would ever allow that to be the fate of my daughter. The distinction between the rights of men and women is so stark that woman are veiled in a way they have no individuality at all. They are masked and replaceable by the next form hidden behind a curtain.

With Islam “in MY perspective” they are protecting what they value above all else. Which is their mothers, wives and daughters but in doing so steal their abilities to truly be themselves and contribute in a way that can advance the world. Where as in the West we leave woman open to harassment without the protection that is rightly deserved.

This closed society that rigidly puts people into their prospective roles retards their ability to be the person they were born to be.

I believe that men and woman are equal who serve the society as a whole in different roles both of which should be equally respected and that choice as to how they want to contribute should be given to the individual Independent of the sex they where born into. 

Concerning my Islamic friends- They have been some of the most caring people I have ever met. Who took time out of their busy day to help me through what I was facing. Interacting with them and the dynamic they had in the home was not oppressive but complimentary to the “natural” roles we were intended for but there was still a divide. If anything it was a more natural one that showed respect for the complimentary way in which men and women behave.

I do not hate muslims nor the faith but I recognize the divide that exist between the 2 cultures. I am a Western man who currently fights for the survival of true equality of all humans but I ultimately side with my own camp because I feel it gives the individual the most freedom and choice for ones self.   

I’ve left town and I’m back on the road with a new excitement. The time spent in civilization allowed me to realize that it was nothing more than golden handcuffs maybe even iron handcuffs. Being alone walking again is liberating “you’ve got to put one foot in front of the other put the other foot, down, down, down.”

A smile crests across my clean shaven face and I am a happy man still clean of past living only in the present. Even though I have these weird “memories” occasionally crashing into my reality. With no real connection to them they can continue to be a work of fantasy that ones mind drifts in and out of. The questions of “Who am I” or “Why am I here” is not of my concern. What is of my concern is the beautiful sky or the warm sun.

I feel outside “of it all” which is liberating. My destination is also still unknown before that was a driving factor but after my quick brush with what Im walking away from I really don’t care to find a place in that world. The world on which I control lyes within

“hawk screech”

I wonder what that hawk is hunting…

<focus all I see is symmetrical lines observing the battlefield with a 1980’s video game screen trying to acquire a target. One of which is a massive square moving down the the black river that comes alive with predators that kill but don’t consume their prey. Why is this one smaller and moving so much slower. Zip!!!! I see horizontal movement!!!! zero in dive deploy claws and destroy>

I look off to my left and see a hawk swoop down and grab something. WOW!!! The wonders of nature. This is life this is the reality I choose to live in. No control! No constructs of man. This is what we are truly apart of and the further I remove myself from civilization the clearer this becomes. Civilization is how man controls the world he lives in. Right now I am consciously deciding to defect from the White Mans world and delve back into the wild.

Im happy drunk off the unknown but still shackled. I am content with living apart because I have no binding ties. I see a group of trees and decide to strike out into its direction because of a youthful desire to climb. Where does that come from? When I get there though I see the marks of man in anchor points made for ropes and climbing. these rocks however besides for allowing for play also cast a shadow for which I am grateful after trudging through the desert sun. So I lay down legs crossed at the ankle with my head rested on the pillow of rock and I allow myself to drift off into a deep sleep.

< I exit my body in full confidence and move with the grace of a predator to project my self UP!!!! beyond my current plane quickly punching through the hemisphere and now the cosmos. I suppose this is heaven or nirvana. there is a light peace that I feel that cant be described but there is a weight that exists due to my presence even though I am alone. Now that I am here though I feel as though I am being haunted by friends who are on the lower plane but cant transcend and are to cripple to fly in the way that they previously were able.

Carlos is dead!!!! I don’t know if that is a fact but the man I know, I fear is… In my heart I know he is gone forever. What hurts most is that we soared in this plane before together enjoying the wind lifting us effortlessly but now his wings are crippled beyond repair and he will be forced to pick at the scraps left by others.>

As I shake off this wicked dream the dusk has set itself upon the desert and I begin to climb. I am unskilled and weak but thanks to Icarus I know not to fly to high. As I strain and pull myself further from the ground there is a repatriotism into the unknown and the danger that lyes there. I see an anchor point left by someone else and i hook in with my right hand and hang and let all my weight flow out of me. In an absolutely natural hold that let go of everything that I was holding onto. if it wasn’t for the effort of my grip I would allow myself to melt apart and smear myself against the rocks but as I look up I see my next hold and explode up and grab hungrily with my left hand…. Now All I see is myself in another form that of a lizard walking effortlessly up the rock face till i find a spot to collapse and enjoy the sun and drink it in until I’ve gluttonously done so till Ive past out from overindulgence.

This is the sleep that brings the Deep Rems… Although now without the attachment to the world there is nothingness… Which is a good thing…. I want to stay in a state of nihilism

I am not happy… Many people died today… The fallout may not be nuclear but there will be a human reaction to this hit. Part of me is in morning for those who lost their lives and another part, the savage part is celebratory… I hate myself for that. The reality of it is as much as people want to champion diversity also refuse to acknowledge “Some cultures are better than others.” I am an American and I support my country and our way of life. I have traveled the world and have lived abroad for much of my adult life and I would be lying if I were to say that harmony could exist between waring nations when the core of who we are at odds. I go to war to keep the battlefield abroad… I don’t blame Trump I blame the Chamberlains of the West who appease to the point of capitulation.

In the end I want to say Fuck You!!! To anyone who has ever shouted an opinion without skin in the game. I want to say Fuck You!!! To myself who will no longer be leading Marines in a fight while I champion its cause. I want to say Fuck You!!! To every evil mother fucker who died using innocent people as a shield.

The West was tired of being pushed. We invented World War and Genocide… For my children’s sake I pray we have the sac to follow through and not give an inch and push the fight to eradicate every babe in its crib if it means preserving the freedoms all people can enjoy if they Submit. #HeWillNotDivideUs

FUUUUUCKKKKK!!!!! Im not even fully aware of the devastation but I know any life lost is worth morning. Even those I hate… Americans wanted War when we elected Trump I just hope we have the stomach to follow through with what needs to be done to finish it.

TIME!!! Fuck time its just the measurement of the white mans day. My brain just went blank do to alcohol but this statement rings true. I just spent spent said time with warriors regaling times of when they felt as though they had a purpose of “close with engage and destroy the enemy through fire and maneuver” and of course survivors remorse. Even now the pangs of which echo in the 4 chambers of me heart. WHY ME?!!! is the question at hand why do I live in this eternal hell while my brothers PROSIT in VALHALLA!!!!

Why I serve now is for money and not for fame. That is a transcendence but of an uglier sort. Thrust upon me by the civilization that doesn’t value the sacrifices made by my brothers. I look at the civilization of which I will return to and realize they will be content to make excuses for evil that knocks on their door. How many times will the politicians allow civilians to be run down by savages before they let slip the dogs of war that will tear at the throats of our enemies. Make no mistake radical islamic terrorism is the root of the evil and the passive allowance of blood letting will continue to occur before the death of the WEST will occur by way of a thousand cuts.

London, Paris, Brussels, Berlin, Nice, Cologne, Malmo are all symptoms of the greater threat. We as a culture are capitulating to enemy hordes. We try to cling to our progressive values to be our savior to a culture that doesn’t respect or adhere to our rules and society. In time we will be out bred by our invaders and the pride of Democracy on which our civilization is built upon will be turned against us.

Something has to change… AWAKEN!!!! before the infanticide has taken place in where true liberty was born.    

I have to put something down. I burned through the booze I have to celebrate. “WHY? because I gotta” #TheMask… I feel like i have to feed a hunger inside myself. Intellectually maybe?… Im just trying to flow with what comes into my head. Im happy in my incarceration because Im working towards something but there is also peace in this isolation. The booze definitely told me something about myself tonight in my desire to reach out to others especially because today is a day of merriment. Even the Kurds wore leprechaun outfits and I could see their smiles. its cool to celebrate even if they haven’t the foggiest what about. Its the idea of slipping into character wearing a mask to allow something inside you to see the light of day because regardless of wether or not you want to admit it its still apart of you. Thats why I love kids they haven’t the filter to hide behind a perceived image. In my world today my son is my greatest teacher. In his innocence I see myself but in a pure innocent, loving form who hasn’t been corrupted by life and the shitty people who are abound. Thats one of the reason why I love being outrageous just to make them feel uncomfortable because I know something inside them wants to come out and play BUTT (and that a big BUTT) they are fucking cowards. Live life like no one is watching even if it mean imbibing in what “god created to keep the Irish from Ruining the world.” #Whiskey

Its been a few years since Ive been in a respectable relationship with the US government. After I filed for my DD-vorce-214. People looked at me weird afterward. Here I was given the respect on the street like we were still together but I know I was looked at as damaged goods #Veteran. I remember going through the different stages of separation before finally accepting that its over.   I partied doing all the things I wasn’t allowed to do while we where together but that only lasted so long before that lost its thrill because there was nobody there to care. Depression hit and I let myself go and gained weight. Then Denial I thought we could just be separated and have an estranged relationship where we see each other 1 weekend a month and go on a 2 week vacation every year #Reserves. After I realized that I had to get over “Chesty” so maybe I could make him jealous. So I played with the idea of going out with one of his brothers so I talked to Army, Navy and I think I may have scared the Air Force but flirting with those bastards only made me realize I could never be satisfied with marriage to another or anyone for that matter.

Thats when I realized “I am a strong independent Black woman who don’t need a man”-said with extreme sassiness. So I hit the gym, got a haircut, 5.11 tuxedo and started an internet dating profile at www.shooterjobs.com.  I wasn’t looking for love only for some cheap thrills and after being  married to “Chesty” I also wanted to be treated with respect as well as spoiled. When I first fully stepped in to single life their was a bunch of slime balls who wanted to take me on a 3 month Cruise in Africa or I could stand around some Oil rig in Iraq where all these gang-bangers in Black were hanging out. I found that generally the only people who run with that crowd never had a good reputation when they were with “DoD-dy” and their relationship probably ended because it was their own fault. When you are newly single you have to remember you can develop a reputation and if you get caught up in the wrong crowd you could go to jail, die or lose your fucking citizenship. So I surmised if I was going to be an escort I was going to be High-class. So like Heidi Fliess I hung around DC for some of the Alphabet soup boys who have a huge allowance and zero accountability.

The State Department didn’t like me and didn’t want the real me but took me out for a few dates because they need to keep up appearances. Sure I drove around in big black suburbans and traveled on their dime but in the end it was a relationship of mutual disgust. They wanted me for a little protection and of course someone to blame if they ever got in trouble so they could still be looked at as the goodie 2-shoes of the family. I would get a decent paycheck and the best part a title. I was “Diplomatic Security” so now I was finally a respectable girl once again like the big city girl who is more career oriented and doesn’t want to be tied down. Over time though I became exhausted of working all the time and never being able to really fuck #SexAndCombat because I am fairly confident everyone at the DoS is a liar and or a closeted Homosexual but because that is the golden boy of the family he will never be outed and everything they do will be covered up. After all its the Diplomatic face of the US Government.

After leaving that square I decided I wanted a little danger so I looked around at the Bad Boys of the US government who kind of run a secret society #Rule1OfFightClub type shit and when you meet someone you don’t even get to know their real name. Since I’m not new to anonymous adult games it seems to be a perfect fit for me. The best aspect of these clubs is Im treated as an equal and can plan my own schedule. I still don’t get the respect of someone who is Directly in a committed marriage to the various agencies but I don’t want to be I don’t want the security I want the money and freedom that comes with being a working girl. So I may not get a ring and all the benefits that come from a marriage to the government. If I die there will be no songs sung or any love loss. Like any mistress I do the shit the wife won’t and I get paid to keep it a secret.

After 2 months of an amazing time with my kids I was left feeling empty not just from the good-bye but from the fear and knowing that I would fall into a hole. Once I leave the ones that I spend my time at war to provide for I’m left with the question of why. WHY do I live a life with extreme ups and downs? The simple answer is fur coats, rolex’s, Beemer’s and beautiful Brazilians. The one that’s more complex is the desire for MORE… and as long as I can acquire my favorite vice #WhiteGirls I don’t think that will stop. I chase the high of pretty women and drunken debauchery its hard to find the bottom when Im on top of 2 pretty women.

Whats normal? Whats the standard? What will give peace? To be honest as long as I can live a post deployment life I don’t think I can evolve… but would you? The other side of this high is incredible lows but what kills me is not trying to find a new mountain to summit. Who wants to climb!!!? I need belay because otherwise I know I am destined to fall. ALWAYS BESIDE YOU.