Ive recently had 2 friends attempt suicide and 1 of the 2 was successful. The thing I find most horrifying about all this is how the gravity of it all hasn’t fully registered to me. Here today gone tomorrow sort of thing. For my friend who survived his own hand he got to see essentially everyone who would show up at his funeral. The wave of love and support moved him. How deeply I truly dont know because I have never been as far gone as he must have felt in that moment of despair. I actually spent the following week with him to be there in support as well as to celebrate every moment I can with him. He is my brother and I love him. The thought of his absence in my life is to devastating to fully recognize but my time with him wasnt just his therapy but my own. I went up to LA where many have tried to take their own lives through drug fueled orgies of debatchery to try to make sense of not only his action but my own lifestyle. Coping with the fact that how I live everyday is reality and normal is a weird thing to rap my head around. It seems like we are all trying to find a baseline or a standard that others relate to to justify our existence. In helping him Ive finally come to peace with my own reality and even mental state. The truth is Im fucking crazy. I live in Afghanistan and I am in a constant cycle of creating perfection just to destroy it so that it can be rebuilt. As a student of history I always see civilizations at their best as they are trying to create a powerful society and once masters of the world the period of opulence follows which is nothing more than say “The most fun ever” and the society collapses on itself. I recognize that is quarterly cycle run off to Kabul lift weights, read books, make money and turn into a rich, handsome interesting motherfucker #RichWhiteRepublican #RWR come home and Crucify that perfect man. I figuratively kill myself every time I come home because I never feel comfortable at home in America. Then like the Phoenix I resurrect and repeat. Is that healthy I dont know Im still hear and hopefully having a positive impact on those around me. I guess knowing I have that escape or that option for escape is what keeps me healthy. I know that the period of my life where I felt trapped that lack of options is what truly drove me to an unhealthy mental state. Coming from a profession where I could achieve what others could only imagine the idea of being trapped seemed not only impossible but also unbearable is the only way I can see my friends taking that leap as a vein attempt to regain control of their destiny. I guess they would rather regain control than continue in a world where they are lost. I understand the logic but the execution is flawed in my opinion. If you are unhappy in your current circumstance choose to value other things. Free will is ours walk away from your perceived chains and live for yourself. There are consequences for your actions but there are consequences for your bondage as well and if you choose to end your life others bear the full weight of your decision. With all this philosophical waxing I have avoided trying to talk about the point ive been trying to hit or face. Its easy to talk about my friend who survived its almost impossible for me to try and face the thought that another friend actually succeeded in ending his life. Even now Im running around my own head trying to escape these words and this reality. D I love you and I miss you and I wish I could have been there for you I wish you could have reached out to me or anyone. I have no idea how alone and for how long that must have been for but I will never forget you. I have tried to talk about veteran suicide in the past because many of my friends tried to destroy themselves through drugs and various other ways but now it has truly struck home. I have a friend who took his own life. My only way to relate is when I was in a world where I thought I had no choices. If you feel powerless and alone always remember you are in command of your own destiny. Being selfish is a virtue as long as you don’t hurt others.

Ive noticed a change in me since my injury. Im lazy, turning to the vices i have available ie fat pills and ive lost the vigor to read or study. Its like a wave of self pity and apathy have washed over me. I spend all my time locked in my room licking my wound dreaming of being whole again. Going home before Im ready feels like im being born premature like I wont have the strength and ability to present the man I want to be to the world and falling short of that leaves me feeling impotent. iCant wear my wound as a badge of honor I can only wear it as a joke and I think thats the reason why people refused to see the comedy. They only know me as the returning hero, the “Rich White Republican” #RWR I guess they will finally see the sad clown. Maybe thats the person I have to face as well. Thank God my injury is superficial and my full recovery guaranteed because as it turns out my ego is a piranha that will feast with me when healthy and feast on me when caught on a line. I guess I need more than apple pie and baseball to sustain.

The opposite of love is not hate they are actually on opposite sides of the same coin. They both inspire extreme emotion that will enable us to give our lives or take someone else’s. That area in between though is far more dangerous and far more deadly than either extreme… apathy.

Which oddly enough is where most people find themselves. To afraid or apathetic to love or hate anything. Rather than pursue their dreams they are perfectly happy to live a nightmare. They move to a bubble shuffle back and forth from a job they tolerate to provide for a wife they barely tolerate and kids who don’t tolerate them at all. They suffer through this in hopes to one day catch that carrot thats been dangled in front of them since they entered adulthood. To be fair along the way they may have spike’s of joy #TripToJamaica and sadness #DogDies but when faced with either event they numb themselves with alcohol. They choose to flatline rather than have a pulse.

Why? Because “people” enjoy being comfortable and would rather not have to think or feel because that is hard and scary. It seems as though America is on a quest to make their last unpleasant experience a precisely datable event. The problem America faces on its horizon is a generation of War-Fighters that have spent their most formative adult years living on those extremes. Thats not to say the Warrior doesn’t slip into that shadow land between love and hate. The difference is when he does its to hunt. He leaves behind his humanity so that he can do some evil things while still keeping his soul intact. Thats why he can love and live without fear or limits.

With these Men returning home to a material world that lives in this vapid purgatory the warrior reacts to this environment the way he did while deployed. He Detaches and goes to the place where his heart can’t be touched because he knows it will stain his soul. His wife/girlfriend notice this change and mistake it for a loss of love. When in reality its him trying to maintain his sanity because he is in a mental state where he use to kill but now chokes back anger on the day to day. He drowns himself with alcohol, drugs and scripts from the VA to kill his desire to truly live again. Until the day he decides to join his friends in Valhalla… But the Valkyrie doesn’t come for those who end it themselves and thats why America is afraid… Or at least the politicians are.

Set in Imperial Russia this book tells the tale of Russian nobility more specifically that of a fallen women. Im sure some people would like to hold her up as a hero in some regard and in truth elements of her are indeed heroic but at her core I saw her as an egocentric selfish women whom I probably would have fallen in love with. In the end I would say she was more a victim of her time than her circumstance. The character I enjoyed was Levin although from the noble class he hated society life and preferred to live and work in the country. He faced a similar duality I find in that when surrounded by civilization his morals and habits slip into self destruction but when out in the country his virtues and work ethic are beyond reproach. What I found most endearing about him was he was an atheist in an intellectual pursuit for salvation and God.

The book was masterfully written and engaging but essentially it had the same pitfalls I find with all books of that style and period.
1st- Russian Books are loooong. I understand that they were released in serialization so they are all in essence soap operas.
2nd- This Russo- Victorian period I find very un relatable and many of the male characters spastic and emotionally over the top.

Ultimately I picked the book up because it is held up as a Classic. I enjoyed elements of the book but in the end I felt it was the modern day equivalent of a soap opera. If you have a lot of time on your hands and think a forbidden love story in high society will keep you enthralled go ahead and swipe right. If your just looking to make interesting dinner conversation and impress learned mofos read the last 19 chapters or just get the cliff notes.

I am happy I read it but I wouldnt read it again.

Im strongly considering going back into the service if they will take me. Im 31 with 6 years of special operations background, 8 years total service but after 14 years of war I’m no unicorn and as a Recon Marine IM NOT SPECIAL. Its funny I can track the slide of my military career the second I tried to care about someone besides the Corps. The second I split my love for something else that was the second my heart wasn’t in for the sacrifice it takes to be a professional soldier. Essentially you have to tear your soul in two to live in both worlds. The Savage and the Civilized.

The Savage world inhabited only with killer apes whom have no tact, diplomacy or woman. Just hate, violence and testosterone. The only beauty is in your mind and you use the greatest virtues to create a false reality of what and who you fight for. When you come back to the Civilized world where your wife and family live. It is not the beautiful Starry night #VanGough you fantasized about but rather a developed corrupted landscape littered with franchises brought to you by corporate America. Where you can escape to your phone and detach further from the ones you love.

With me having to live in these 2 worlds left my wife never fully able to understood or trust me. She always felt as though I was hiding something. In truth I was hiding a couple of things. I was hiding the evil that it takes to survive in the wilderness and the disgusting apathy it takes to survive in civilization. With neither of us living up to each other’s expectations our marriage fell apart and I was left trying to find love in someone or something that could fulfill both. Since my military service ended 2 weeks after my marriage. I threw my focus on finding a replacement for my wife to provide the family I worked and sacrificed so hard for but could never create. I also held on to the hope of being able to be the primary parent for my children but once my ex-remarried and settled down that basically washed away the thought of that ever happening.

Then I turned to contracting and thought making a bunch of the White Man’s money could give me happiness. Until I found that it was just whore money and you have to spend it to wash away the pain it took to earn it. In the end leaving you in a vicious cycle that makes for a great time but gives you a black soul. Now I have recently come to the realization that I need to give my life entirely to a purpose knowing the love will never be reciprocated because I have found If I love a person I can only expect disappointment. So I guess for me I have to give myself to something that will never love me back and my options seem clear rejoin the service or marry a stripper.

If someone “Misspeaks” they’ve said something racist, misogynistic or homophonic. When they “Misrepresent” they speak on someone else’s behalf without ever consulting with them. When they “Misremember” they are lying. Brian Williams is a liar.

Why is this important or relevant “everyone knows the media is full of liars” #MSNBC #FauxNews #CommunistNewsNetwork and there “lies” the rub. Does anyone really know anything? These “news” agencies don’t feed us facts they feed us entertainment but its not obvious mind poison like your TMZ or UsWeekly. It is packaged and sold as a “healthy food” for the mind. That not only should one consume with their family but also guide one’s life from the nourishment it provides. But make no mistake the difference between poison and food is black/white and any mixing of the 2 leads to the same fate… Death. People bitch about putting labels on what goes in their mouth. #Monsanto but don’t give a god damn about what goes in their mind. They just vilify those who have a different mental diet.

This man (there are many like him but this man is caught) is nothing more than a puppet for organization’s that hand pick stories that not only keep America divided but also tuned in. For nothing more than advertising dollars and one other thing… Power. By turning over your thoughts, opinions and essentially your individuality to a pack of liars makes you a liar by proxy and the sad thing about liars is that they have no identity of their own. They try to put on a false bravado to impress others but in fact what they are really doing is putting on chains because once a lie is born from that point on one is bound in a false reality. Where the masters are anyone who becomes aware of the truth. They sell their identity for the scraps of people’s attention and approval.

What I found most amusing about this whole unveiling of the truth was that it was uncovered by the men he tried to give false alms to. Which happened to be men who serve in the United States Army. Those men know that truth is the only gratification they need not false praise from a whore. Now not only is this “news” anchor in question but shouldn’t his network be as well? Nope. People will still swipe right on what this asshole and whatever their trusted brand has to say.

“Well I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

Take back your identity! Shrug off your chains! Cast the liars and hypocrites out of the temple of your mind! Think for yourself and become your own master! Turn off the fucking Television and put down your iPhone! Stop being part of the collective and start challenging what your told. As my High school Latin teacher #MrOniell once told me concerning authority.

Ego Secundus Coniecto Omnia- I second guess all

People think I live a glamorous life with all my travel, partying with models and excessive alcohol abuse. They see the images I project without understanding the life I live and what I sacrifice to make it possible. The truth is I sell my body and soul to a client who doesn’t give a fuck about me. Before I leave I have thoughts of escaping my life but as soon as I board Platform 9 & 3/4 I get a cold rush that washes over me that I actually equate to comfort. I can no longer be touched by emotion and I am prepared to do what needs to be done to get through another nights work.

Once I arrive at the job I turn inward for escape focusing on self improvement so that when I return I can leave this life behind knowing full well that probably wont be. I know Im addicted to the Highs and Lows of what I do. I also know that the life I live at home perpetuates my lifestyle because the problem with whore money is that it comes to easy and goes to fast. You have to make up for the the time lost and drink away what it took to obtain it. That money becomes a drug that I suck every last drop out so that I feel forced to go turn another trick to get more.

It wasnt always this way. There was a time when I was a hero surrounded by god’s who would die for me. Now Im surrounded by contract girls who would sell me out for a larger slice of the pie or just to watch me burn. Honor amongst thieves I suppose. Dancing for dollars or fighting for them the difference is nil. I use to fight for love now I just want to feel it but until then Ill have my BMW and Rolex to keep me warm at night. #RWR

A wave of apathy has washed over me. Im finding myself to have difficulty sleeping without the aid of extreme exhaustion or sleeping pills. I don’t want to be conscious in my day to day. I just want to shuffle back and forth from the gym eat healthy read books and go to sleep… but the sleep doesnt come without the help of masterbation or Xanax.

The interesting thing is I feel healthy beyond compare my mind is sharp. I love the image in the mirror and Im feeling incredibly prideful of my intellect and opinion on everything. The problem Im having is the outside world. Any news I watch or facebook opinion I see disgusts me. Thats why I had recently deactivated my account. I hate hearing the cry of those who perceive themselves as weak. Man can create, build and achieve anything on earth. The slave is kept under the yoke not through the masters whip but from the chains he chooses to allow be cast upon him. With my final days counting down before Im rereleased into the wild. Im not afraid of turning to vice to enjoy myself in the world. Im afraid I’ll return to vice to kill the beauty inside me so that I can be happy with the world around me.

I know Ill leave Kabul a specimen of intellect and beauty only to return a bloated drunken mess with me sins written all over my face. My soul will be black with shame not because of what I’ve done but why I’ve done it.

I enjoy getting lost in my head. Its the only way to stay sane in my Job. Which may afford me the money and time to travel but it cost’s me the relationships that matter most. In these periods of loneliness I find myself turning to books as a refuge for companionship. I get to experience the full spectrum of emotions from the lexicon of humanity. The frustrating thing for me about connecting in a real way with characters in a book is my inability to engage, interact and save my friends from the doom that awaits them time and time again… Sadly, Im no Bastian. #NeverEndingStory I hopelessly get lost in a genre and I see how it effects my psyche. When I was reading a lot of English Lit #Dickens #Wilde. I found myself witty beyond compare with a diction of the time. When I was reading Twain #HuckSpecific I developed a slight draw and was totally desensitized to the word Nigger. Unbeknownst to me it crept its way into my daily vernacular now I cant say Vinegar without softening the R. Classical literature is my favorite because it allows me to time travel but I’m finding myself trying to find Classics our current period but that could be because Im currently reading Fountainhead by Ayn Rand #Modernism and Im addicted to the Heroine. #DominqueFrancon

America doesnt have an immigration problem we have an integration problem.

Im a student of History and if you look back at the Roman Empire what allowed it to last 1000 years is when they conquered a people they fully integrated them into Rome and with it all the benefits of the Empire. Art, Literature, Aqueducts, Coliseums, law and order. The newly conquered peoples learned the language and adapted the culture. Ultimately what crippled Rome was the loss of identity and a weakening from within. Where provincial loyalties trumped that of Roman loyalties (that and the Germans wiping out 3 legions in the Black Forest who were led by a former Roman Mercenary).

The reason why I flipped back in time was to give perspective on today. I have no problem with immigrants coming across our border wether they are 15 or 50 but if our culture is to survive they need to adapt our language and ideals.

The great thing about America is it big enough to fit everyone and our ideals are pliable to accommodate different beliefs and values. The problem is the myth of equality. People didnt leave their homes thousands of miles away because they wanted shit to be the same. They left because it sucked and they wanted opportunities for themselves and their children. For America to subsidize people who do not integrate it is building a house divided. The harder immigrants cling to their language and culture the easier it is for their children to be marginalized and stepped on.

Some of the greatest American Patriots I have ever met were Brown, played soccer and spoke English with an accent and the biggest Douche bag anti-Americans I have ever met are affluent white kids who vote Democrat.

One thing that is unique to America is our ability to adapt elements of the different cultures who come here for the delicious taste of freedom pie wether its apple pie, churrios or stroodle. Our freedom to choose what we eat, think or believe is a beacon to the rest of the world that E Pluribus Unum is just as true today as it was 238 years ago.

To be an American has nothing to do with your race, religion or where you are from. To be an American is a mindset that explores and pushes humanity to the next level from the deepest sea to the farthest galaxy. In my opinion Americans are born in every country around the world. Its whether or not they find their way home.
#PatrioticAsFuck #SemperAmerica #ApplePieAndBaseball #SoccerAndChurrios