Im strongly considering going back into the service if they will take me. Im 31 with 6 years of special operations background, 8 years total service but after 14 years of war I’m no unicorn and as a Recon Marine IM NOT SPECIAL. Its funny I can track the slide of my military career the second I tried to care about someone besides the Corps. The second I split my love for something else that was the second my heart wasn’t in for the sacrifice it takes to be a professional soldier. Essentially you have to tear your soul in two to live in both worlds. The Savage and the Civilized.
The Savage world inhabited only with killer apes whom have no tact, diplomacy or woman. Just hate, violence and testosterone. The only beauty is in your mind and you use the greatest virtues to create a false reality of what and who you fight for. When you come back to the Civilized world where your wife and family live. It is not the beautiful Starry night #VanGough you fantasized about but rather a developed corrupted landscape littered with franchises brought to you by corporate America. Where you can escape to your phone and detach further from the ones you love.
With me having to live in these 2 worlds left my wife never fully able to understood or trust me. She always felt as though I was hiding something. In truth I was hiding a couple of things. I was hiding the evil that it takes to survive in the wilderness and the disgusting apathy it takes to survive in civilization. With neither of us living up to each other’s expectations our marriage fell apart and I was left trying to find love in someone or something that could fulfill both. Since my military service ended 2 weeks after my marriage. I threw my focus on finding a replacement for my wife to provide the family I worked and sacrificed so hard for but could never create. I also held on to the hope of being able to be the primary parent for my children but once my ex-remarried and settled down that basically washed away the thought of that ever happening.
Then I turned to contracting and thought making a bunch of the White Man’s money could give me happiness. Until I found that it was just whore money and you have to spend it to wash away the pain it took to earn it. In the end leaving you in a vicious cycle that makes for a great time but gives you a black soul. Now I have recently come to the realization that I need to give my life entirely to a purpose knowing the love will never be reciprocated because I have found If I love a person I can only expect disappointment. So I guess for me I have to give myself to something that will never love me back and my options seem clear rejoin the service or marry a stripper.
beauxtalks 
I know how you feel beaux. I was just telling someone this yesterday, I wish I could go back and go into the Marine Corps and reconnaissance having not been married, or stayed after I was divorced, but your life takes the directions it does for a reason. I have the same disgust for the apathy required just to function as a member of society, but it’s what you make of it. There are people out there who will fall outside the norm of the civilians you see. The medical field has its petty cattyness as well, but the people I’m working with seem at least on the surface to be high speed, determined, focused, decision makers. They don’t lollygag like we fucking hate. You’re older than me and have been around the block but I’d encourage you to explore your options. Many of us find at least some semblance of comfort and acceptance in the medical field where you’ll able to love people who don’t love you back, continue to sacrifice for those who don’t understand your sacrifice. It’s the way we’re wired and it’s been exacerbated by our experiences. Combat is sometimes easier than stateside life and it’s a great feeling knowing you’re the sheepdog keeping the wolves at bay, but I’m telling you the feeling you’ll get from being a healer and a caregiver are just as intense. You’ll still miss the simple beauty of a firefight and laying everything down for the brother to the left and the right, but you’ll take comfort in knowing that you’re giving back, and make people well. I like to think I’m restoring life for those we had to take in order to protect our loved ones. Great post brother and keep them coming.
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